There I said it. Out loud.
In writing.
I am a widow.
Every time I think that or say it, my mind flashes to old Western TV shows with the “Widder Smith” as a dried up old lady all dressed in black. Which I am none of those things so it makes me smile a little.
I am a widow.
It is all starting to come crashing down now. The realization that my husband is dead, gone except in memories. I’ve put off dealing with his death through brute strength and force of will. I could not crash in October 2012. There was Charlie to consider plus all the details, financial and otherwise, to handle when someone passes away.
Then November brought Hubby’s birthday ( he would have been 49) and Thanksgiving. Followed by Christmas. Then Charlie’s 8th birthday and my 45th birthday.
PTO and Cub Scouts. Getting trained to replace Hubby as Cubmaster so the pack would continue with little disruption. 6 other little boys who also need me.
I am a widow.
I marked the box on forms. I updated my online profiles.
Denial, laziness, procrastination, grief. In my head I know I need to return to work consistently. Charlie and I need to return to church consistently. Grief counseling.
My body, on the other hand, does busy stuff. Not truly productive. Just busy.
Inertia. Focusing on fun or unimportant projects or a gazillion other things.
I am a widow.
Time marches on. I know eventually it will all catch up with me.
But for now – I continue marching onward.
Elizabeth
Thank you for sharing this, putting it into words so that all of us can support you. I’ve been worried about you being “too strong.” (I know because I’m that person, too.)
Give yourself the time AND THE FEELINGS that you deserve. You don’t have to do “normal” things. If you’re healing means procrastination and “busy” work, then allow it.
Know this: there are SO MANY who love and support you. How can we help?
Jackie (WritRams) recently posted..Karing Card Club | 6 Reasons I Joined a Blogger Card Club (And Why You Should, Too)
Just keep praying for me and Charlie and loving us and supporting us like you are doing. Knowing I have friends who love me and support us helps, it really does.
Elizabeth recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Easter 2013
Aunt Liz, know that we love you and Charlie and that we’re all marching with you. You aren’t alone.
I know and sooo appreciate all y’all have done for us! Hugs and kisses!
Elizabeth recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Easter 2013
You have to take “hell” in small doses. One minute, One breath. This one, then the next. Don’t “rush” it… it will come. But do find time to deal with it. Because if you don’t “deal” with it, it WILL come to deal with you. Praying for your continued peace. Love you!
I know that it will eventually catch up to me if I don’t. Finishing up taxes last week did a number on me emotionally in fact. I am just taking it one step at a time, one day at a time!
Elizabeth recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Easter 2013
I didn’t even know. My heart weeps for you and Charlie. I’ll keep you both in my prayers.
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Luv ya, Liz! This post was beautifully written. May God give you and Charlie peace and hope.
Luv you too!