One Year Ago Today

One year ago today around 1:30 in the morning the house phone rang.  It was the Palliative Care nurse calling. My husband, Robert, had passed away.

It was 11 months after his emergency surgery for a ruptured colon and subsequent Stage 4 Colon Cancer diagnosis.  Just 3 weeks shy of Robert’s 49th birthday. Only 2 weeks after our 16th wedding anniversary which was celebrated while Robert was in MD Anderson and I was camping with the Cub Scouts.

I have spent the last year on autopilot. I’ve kept plodding forward, one step at a time, one day at a time. Every now and I then I let myself grieve. But not like I should. I know it.  My head says “you need to do this” but my body and heart keep saying not yet, I’m not ready.

I want my life back. I know my life won’t be the same no matter how much I want it to be but I can get myself back on track at work, home, PTO, Scouts, etc. I have to deal with ALL THE BIG FEELINGS first. I don’t like BIG FEELINGS, never have.

I am tired. Tired of being forgetful, disorganized, being “stuck”.




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  1. *hugs*
    sassymonkey recently posted..Meal Plan Monday, October 21My Profile

  2. We’re here for you whether you’re putting off the grieving or dealing with all the big feelings. Do it in your own time, friend.

    Thinking of you today.
    Jenna recently posted..Race Recap: Nationwide Children’s Hospital Columbus Half Marathon, 2013My Profile

  3. xoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

  4. Oh, sweetie. I wish we could make it better for you. Much love and good wishes are sent your way.

  5. I’m so sorry…for your loss and for the ongoing struggle.

  6. I deeply admire the fortitude you’ve shown. My heart breaks for you and for Charlie and I hope life hits a good groove for the both of you so that healing can happen.

  7. I’m so very sorry. My thoughts are with you.
    Laurel Regan recently posted..Do you know the way to San Jose?My Profile