One year ago today around 1:30 in the morning the house phone rang. It was the Palliative Care nurse calling. My husband, Robert, had passed away.
It was 11 months after his emergency surgery for a ruptured colon and subsequent Stage 4 Colon Cancer diagnosis. Just 3 weeks shy of Robert’s 49th birthday. Only 2 weeks after our 16th wedding anniversary which was celebrated while Robert was in MD Anderson and I was camping with the Cub Scouts.
I have spent the last year on autopilot. I’ve kept plodding forward, one step at a time, one day at a time. Every now and I then I let myself grieve. But not like I should. I know it. My head says “you need to do this” but my body and heart keep saying not yet, I’m not ready.
I want my life back. I know my life won’t be the same no matter how much I want it to be but I can get myself back on track at work, home, PTO, Scouts, etc. I have to deal with ALL THE BIG FEELINGS first. I don’t like BIG FEELINGS, never have.
I am tired. Tired of being forgetful, disorganized, being “stuck”.